


I'm a Goner.

by thejudg3 (orphan_account)



Category: Twenty One Pilots, joshler - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Colours, Crying, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Tour Bus, Touring, Weather, also a cute bit to make up for the sadness, idk - Freeform, idk yeah generally that, numbers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 04:09:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4904950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/thejudg3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler has ghosts he wants to drown.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm a Goner.

It was dark. So _dark_. The thunder was so loud. _One. Two._ **CRASH!** The lightning too. Big, yellow, _zig zags._ But not rich, golden yellow. _**Danger yellow.**_ And it comes _three_ times. The rain. It's all red. _**Blood red.**_ Running down his hands. _Drip. Drip._ He watches it as it falls from his palms to the floor. The rain _hurts_ against his pale, fragile skin. It's like his pulse is in his fingertips. His pulse five times. _Loudly._ A numbing feeling. **Purple.** _It's all orange._ He's shaking. He **can't** stop shaking. _Drip. Drip. Dr-_... 

//  
"Tyler!" Tyler awakes to his best friend shaking him viciously, "Ty, dude, wake up."  
Tyler opens his eyes slowly. Everything around him is hazy, and it takes him what seems like forever to wake up, but when he does, he realises that he's on the tour bus.  
"What happened?" Tyler speaks up, looking up at Josh, who was staring back at him with a worried expression painted across his long, calming face. Tyler's words escape his mouth with sharp breaths in between and he suddenly comes around wholly and realises how tight his chest is. Josh understands almost instantly and helps to prop Tyler up with pillows in his bunk so that he is sat bolt upright.  
Josh starts to move to get the boy some water, but Tyler reaches out with his hand desperately, like a young kid grasping for his mother. Josh nods silently and stays by his side, watching his best friend calm himself down patiently. Tyler breathes in several times, letting it all out in a long, deep breath each time. _One. Two. Three._ His breathing is getting slower and everything around him is brighter.  
He's thankful. Thankful that Josh stayed. Thankful that Josh understood.  
Tyler smiles at his best friend and nods.  
"You alright now?" Josh asks. Tyler closes his eyes briefly, taking a moment to compose himself, before looking back up at the boy who was stood beside him.  
"Yeah. Thanks."  
Josh patted Tyler on the shoulder supportively and Tyler felt his heart speed up for a split second, but he shook it off.  
"Do you want me to get you anything?" Josh offered, and Tyler paused, looking down off the edge of his bunk to the floor. He hummed as he thought about anything he might need.  
"Water, please? My mouth is dry." Tyler requested, and Josh nodded quickly. He watched as Josh walked down the bus towards the kitchen, and he listened as Josh ran the tap. The sound of the running water sent a shiver down his spine, and Tyler didn't understand why. It was like a distant memory. It made him feel uncomfortable. It felt like a jigsaw piece that a child had forced into the rest of the puzzle. It didn't quite fit. Tyler heard Josh turn the tap off. _Drip. Drip._  
Josh was walking back up the bus slowly. Tyler took the glass of water out of his best friend's hands gratefully. He put his lips to the rim of the glass and felt the cold water at the back of his throat as he gulped it down audibly. It felt soothing. Calming. Like a light blue sky on a summer's day. _Light blue._ A **good** colour. Content. Like the number _four_. He brought the glass away from his mouth slowly. He was okay now. That’s all that mattered.  
“What happened?” Tyler asked Josh, as his friend took the glass off him and placed it down on a table. Josh furrowed his brow and Tyler recognised that expression. He was worried.  
“You were shaking. A lot. You were having a bad dream, but you kept yelling things.” Josh explained. Tyler gulped audibly and looked away from Josh, and down at his hands, which were in his lap.  
Tyler had been having a series of recurring bad dreams. But not any bad dreams. They were like flashbacks. Twisted flashbacks. And he didn't want to remember any of that. That was in the past and he was happy now. He kept telling himself that. _Tyler, you’re okay now. Everything’s okay._ Josh didn't have to know any of that anyway. But now he couldn’t help but wonder what he’d been shouting. What Josh knew.  
“Yelling what things?” He questioned, widening his eyes impatiently.  
“You kept yelling that you were okay. That you didn’t need help. You were telling your mum to leave you alone. You’d come out when you were done.” Josh reeled off the list of things that he’d been yelling. It was all familiar. Too familiar. He shook his head. Forced a smile. Laughed.  
“Just a bad dream.” He chuckled, falsely, but apparently not too false as Josh seemed to relax a bit and smiled at his friend.  
“As long as you’re okay.”  
Tyler watched as Josh turned his back and walked down the bus. As long as he was okay.

The two boys came off stage that night. It had been incredible. Tyler loved going on stage with his best friend and performing the songs that helped him. Playing the songs he wrote to escape those thoughts to the people that supported him through everything. The thought that he could do that every night with his best friend; the thought that the poetic way in which he wrote down his feelings could help other people escape from the real world? _That._ That’s what kept him going. It was a feeling like no other.  
And the adrenaline was still rushing through him as he walked the corridors backstage. Sweat was on his forehead, and he had a wide, genuine smile spread across the width of his face.  
Tyler looked over his shoulder as he felt a presence beside him. Josh.  
“That show was incredible, Ty!” Josh exclaimed, grinning eagerly and placing his hand on Tyler’s shoulder firmly.  
“You were so good.” Tyler complimented the boy. Josh’s face lit up with pride and Tyler could only think happy thoughts whilst he was with the bright-haired boy. Josh had always been like a rock to him without even realising. He was like the gravity that kept him grounded. The fuel that kept him going. He could never thank him enough for that. He only wished that Josh realised how incredible he really was.  
“I put my all in to it. You performed incredibly this evening, though,” Josh nudged Tyler in the rips, and he stuck his head in the air and felt his cheeks redden as he heard his best friend’s words, “you gotta give yourself some credit.”  
“Thanks, Josh. It means a lot.”  
“You’re welcome, buddy.”  
The pair reached the end of the corridor and pushed open the double doors that took them outside. There was already about 30 fans waiting there for them and more were bound to join them at some point.  
“Guys, we gotta go! Another city to get to.” Michael called over. He’d obviously seem them eyeing up the fans that were right by the bus pressing up against a barrier.  
“But-” Tyler started, and Michael shook his head and opened the door of the tour bus. Tyler and Josh sighed, waving at the fans in apology.  
“Tyler! Josh, please!” The boys stopped in their tracks as they heard a female fan shout them. They turned around and noticed a girl waving a letter in their direction with a desperate, outstretched arm. Tyler looked back at Michael and raised an eyebrow as if waiting for permission to go and take it.  
“Go on. Hurry up.” Michael smiled, and Tyler walked over to the fan with Josh by his side. He took the letter and looked at the girl. She had a glow in her eyes, but a familiar glow. The kind of glow that covered up troubles. The kind of glow that resembled a getaway. Tyler gave her a one-armed hug over the barrier hurriedly, as Josh ran down the queue high-fiving fans and taking more letters from several other people.  
“Stay strong.” Tyler whispered in the girl’s ear, before turning and gesturing for Josh to follow him.  
“Sorry guys, we gotta go! Another city to get to. We’ll be back before you know it!” Tyler called to the growing queue of fans as they walked back to the bus and got on it.  
“Long drive ahead, lads! Go get some sleep. You did well tonight.” Michael told the two of them.  
“Thanks, Mike!” Josh beamed, his face quite literally glowing as he ran his face through his hair and walked towards the bunks. Tyler watched the boy. He was so special to him. He meant so much to him. He wanted to tell him all of this over and over. _He kept him smiling._

//  
The light. So bright. A **dangerous silver-yellow** light. It flashed _three_ times. He couldn’t turn his head. **BANG!** It wouldn’t stop. **BANG!** Just _two_ times tonight. He felt **grey** , he saw **maroon**. Like a _bruise?_ It started. The **drip**. He shuddered. _Drip._ Again. He was shaking. **CRASH!** He couldn’t breathe. **CRASH!** _Twice._ One more flash. His heart racing. Booming against his chest _five times. Drip._ It was **pink.** Like an open wound you get as an innocent youngster. Then it was **red.** Bright. _Gleaming._ Like blood. So many things. His head was thudding. _Five_ times. Almost four. But never four. He couldn’t take it. _Drip. Drip. Drip. D-_...

//  
The two boys sat next to each other on the long sofa at the back of their bus. They were surrounded by letters from fans that they’d been reading together, with a pile of gifts from the past few shows stacked up in the corner. Both of them had their phones in their hands so they could DM a few fans via twitter. They liked to keep in touch with their fans. Stay connected. It kept them sane. Knowing that they were doing so much for thousands. Hundreds of thousands.  
Tyler picked up a letter from beside him.  
“It’s the letter from that girl that shouted us over last night.” Tyler looked at Josh. His fingers felt limp as he held the letter loosely in his hands. She looked too much like he did when he was younger. Lost. In need. In doubt.  
“Yeah, I noticed that look on your face. Was everything okay?” Josh asked, arching his eyebrows in worry.  
“I was. She wasn’t.” Tyler muttered quietly. He felt his heart thud and he shook it off. He opened the letter in his hand as Josh picked up another. Tyler drew his knees up to his chest as he unfolded the sheet of paper, which had handwriting scrawled all over it.  
He held it in his hands, and Josh shuffled across the sofa so that his body was touching Tyler’s. The pair read the letter in their heads. In silence.  
As Tyler’s eyes scanned the page, he felt like his heart was drowning. He was right. Their music did something for her. And she was like him. She had ghosts that she was trying to drown. Trying to suffocate. She was a broken kid from a broken home, haunted by the colour red. Found happiness in blue. Found sorrow in purple.  
So many colours. It was so confusing. He didn’t understand, and he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to understand. He wanted to forget. That’s all he wanted.  
Tyler closed his eyes. Swallowed. He was shaking again. He drew his knees closer to his chest and he wanted the sofa to just swallow him up where he was. He wanted to shut off the world. Say goodbye. So much pressure.  
He felt Josh’s skin press against his arm and he flinched. He flinched and he felt bad as he felt Josh let go. He wanted Josh to stay. Stay with him. But he might not care. He mightn’t understand.  
He opened his eyes and he felt water stream down his face. He was crying. He looked at Josh. His best friend. His rock.  
“Ty, what’s up?” Josh asked, frowning. The boy looked panicked, and Tyler knew he was trying to hide that. He didn’t want to worry Josh. Josh deserved to be happy. Tyler didn’t want that. He tried to look away, but he couldn’t turn his head. He cracked.  
“My past, Josh. My childhood. My background was broken and I never have anyone to turn to. I’m taunted by shining silver, I flinch if someone touches me too hard, I have reoccurring nightmares featuring bright, gleaming red blood. I find safety in the number four simply because of the four walls that kept me sane when I was younger. If someone raises their voice, I shake. I run. I run from war. War is not art, fighting is not cute. I need to get better, but I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to scare anyone away. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to be the boy that his friends and family are ashamed of. I can’t take that again. I want someone to care. I want you to care.” Tyler blurted out. His hands were grasping his knees so tightly that his knuckles were turning purple. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he moved closer to the presence. He realised it was Josh, but he didn’t have the motivation to move. He just broke down, and he wanted someone there.  
Josh stroked his thumb across Tyler’s shoulder. He moved his other hand to Tyler’s face and tapped him on the chin to gain his attention. Tyler hesitantly looked up to face his best friend. His eyes were all puffy and his cheeks were burning. He opened his mouth to apologise, and Josh hushed him quickly by pressing his lips against Tyler’s. Tyler didn’t know what was happening. Acceptance? Was everything okay? He wasn’t about to argue. Everything felt fine for a minute or so. He kissed Josh back willingly. He turned his head, bumping noses with the other boy, and he giggled in to the kiss. He felt Josh’s tongue collide with his own. He felt comfort in that. He felt Josh’s hand in his messy hair, stroking it, pulling at it, and Tyler groaned as the boy continued. Everything was going to be okay.  
The two pulled away from each other, gasping as they tried to catch their breath. Tyler looked away as he took a second to compose himself, and he felt Josh move closer to him so that Tyler was almost sat on the boy’s lap. He chuckled to himself, wiping the tears away from his eyes with the ball of his hand. Josh’s arms wrapped around Tyler’s body, and he squeezed him gently. Tyler didn’t flinch. He wanted more of it. He never wanted Josh to let go. He felt safe, for a split moment. Tangled in the boy’s arms clumsily. Feeling Josh’s skin against his own, his clothes rubbing against his own, his body pressed to him desperately.  
“Hey.” Josh whispered in to his ear. Tyler felt his warm breath spread across his neck and he hummed in approval.  
“What?” He responded.  
_“I care.”_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked that idk it was my first joshler fic!!! Tell me what u think and all that and give it kudos if you enjoyed it :-)


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